Making a movie PT I

Making Movies Some of you probably long ago figured out that our little Stevie LeClaire doesn't live an ordinary life. So, it came as no real shock when he mentioned casually one day that a movie was being filmed at his house. "Of course" we all thought, "Who hasn't had a movie or two filmed at their house, right? I had an episode of "Twin Peaks" filmed under my bed just last week". He was quite serious however and so I spent a couple of days taking pictures of the various goings on at the LeClaire farm. Steve really is a farmer, he grows hay, which as we all know is for horses, yet somehow intrinsically better for cows. Pigs would eat it, but as science has proven again and again, they don't know how. The photos below are from only two days of shooting (since some of us have a REAL job and can't just take a zillion days off whenever the mood strikes). A few photos have been "enhanced" in a futile attempt to make them look more "Artsy"... so sue me.

	The movie is called "Aftershock" (Dun dun Daaaaa) and it's eventually going to end up on the History Channel. It's about all the awful crap that transpired right after the Civil War, including the formation of the ku klux klan and lots of awful violence carried out by an angry and defeated populace or "insurgency" striking back at the soldiers who are, in their minds, invading their country (sound familiar?). Anyway, when I pulled up Saturday morning, I saw them filming down by the ole' barn. Oh, and that's Steve's cannon. You mean you don't have your own cannon? Where do you live, under a rock? Jeeze, everybody needs a cannon...

	it was pouring rain so the cameras were under this tent. The scene had something to do with soldiers attacking a group of post-rebel ne'er do-wells in the barn here. Takes a lot of people to make a movie like this. I can only imagine what it must be like when you're making Lord of the Rings. Everyone has their little job to do, and they do it pretty efficiently. I was just trying to be inconspicuous so I wouldn't get thrown off the set.
	The guy in the fake beard is Bob Cooney, who in real life owns a computer store and built the computer in the Machine Shop studio. They got a lot of locals to be in this thing. I was actually in it for a few seconds, but that's a whole other story, and no, I didn't play a bloated corpse on the battlefield. A lot of making a movie is sitting around waiting for things to be ready. I was on the TV show Spenser for Hire in the 1980s, and it was the same crap then.

Props props props. Some of these guns are real and some of them are rubber. That's right, I said rubber. The rubber ones are pretty impressive unless you're within about a foot of them. The pistol on the right is real though.

The guy on the far left is a professional stuntman named Josh if I recall correctly. They had real stuntmen sort of mixed in with the locals, probably to make sure nobody accidentally blew their own face off. Not sure who the guy on the right is, looks like he's wearing a soup bowl on his head though. UPDATE!!! I've just received an e-mail clearing up the mystery of the identity of the man on the right. "The guy in the barn, with the hat like a soup bowl, is a talented gunsmith and crack shot with a muzzle-loading rifle. He's my brother, CVS pharmacist, Steve Colonies, who also is a local authority on antique woodworking tools. In some of his spare time he teaches kids to use those tools, and he mades antique reproductions of furniture that the local historical society sells for fund raising ... Steve is also a member of the oldest gun club in the country.... signed a proud sister & auntie" UPDATE 2 A note from Steve Colonies himself: "I'm on the right in the photo with Josh and Mark Slayton,The man in the right photo is Bob Duffy, a reenactor from NH who I think may have been with the cavalry but I know he was in the movie Gettysburg and the History Channel Trial of Henry Wirtz. He is kneeling and wears a light brown beehive hat." So, there you have it... If anyone else who isn't identified wants to be, just send the info and I'll fill in the blanks.

Rehearsing for the scene where they get attacked by whoever is supposed to be coming the other way (I wasn't there when they shot that part, so the attackers could be a band of marauding transsexual circus clowns riding pink polka-dotted poodles for all I know). The blue stuff on the left is plastic over the camera, not blue clown hair. Bob is apparently asking the director if his character should be talking on his cell phone when the attack hits.

BANG! And there goes Bob, falling off that barrel and hitting the floor faster than Paris Hilton's panties at an all billionaire orgy. The other guys don't seem too concerned though, we'll fix their asses, just you wait...

	What do you do if you want to make it look like there's grass in front of the camera, but you don't want to stick the cameras in the mud? Why, you stick the grass on a board in front of the cameras of course... Not all special effects involve CGI

OK, We're finally ready for a take..... and... ACTION...

The bug eyed guy is Mark Slayton, an old friend of Steve's. The reason he looks like someone just snapped his testes with a rubber band is because the director sneakily had Steve and the gun caretaker guy Brian go hide behind the barn and shoot real guns. Told you they'd move their asses when called on to do so. I think a couple of them may have left stains in their antique undies too.

POW! BANG! BLAM! OOOOH, SNAP! Guns guns guns. Like a rap concert in Miami, guns were'a blazin an a firin... I haven't seen that much powder get used up so fast since I was backstage at that Mötley Crüe concert

What's a historical epic without costumes? I think the guy on the left actually own that outfit. Not sure about the other two. A lot of the cast were those guys who like to re-enact battles, so they have the look down. Probably scares the kids on Halloween too.

For those who don't own their own authentic 1866 fashion collection, there's the wardrobe department. Lots of stuff here, they even had a shirt and a vest that fit me, which may or may not have been sewn out of left over material from the building of the Graf Zeppelin.

Steve's lovely daughter Lauren (on the left) was there doing lots of PA stuff (PA is movie speak for Production Assistant. At least, I think that's what it means, it could mean Pouty Anglerfish or Prehensile Appendage, I didn't ask). She's with the prop lady. You've probably noticed by now that I don't know anyone's names. That's because I only have a few neurons that still fire correctly, and remembering names is not my specialty.

I believe the 3 guys on the right are all pro stunt guys. You could generally tell them from the regulars by the way they all looked like a cross between Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise and Michael Bolton and the cute wardrobe chicks couldn't wait to help them get out of those oh so sweaty costumes. I note that after my 15 seconds of fame were up, not one of the wardrobe girls lifted a finger to help me out of the tent they had me wearing, and really, who needs more help? Me? Or one of these post-Chippendale's genetic anomalies?.

Speaking of Chippendales, Not sure who these guys are, more stunt guys, or the entertainment at a bachelorette party who turned up at the wrong address. Not a lot of fat bald ugly guys with acne in the south back then, I guess.

I didn't see how this scene turned out, so I don't know if they get shot, have dinner, or go on dates together. Maybe all three.

Just the thing for the southern post-rebel studmuffin on the go, here we see a lovely and fully functional 19th century trailer park. Complete with optional stump.
	This is a tripod head for one of the cameras. This was being shot with High Definition video cameras, and they were pretty impressive. I was going to try to put one down my pants when no one was looking, but no one would believe I had a bulge that big. And what's that on the hill in the background?


That's right, it's Steve's cannon. but, would they actually make it go BOOM? Damn right...

Here's the money shot Steve has waited his whole life for. "Turn the cannon The Yanks are coming from over there!!!" he seems to be saying. It was most likely closer to "I think there are more muffins in that tent by the porta-potty"

These guys are all re-enacters and they know the whole procedure for firing this thing. It's not a quick procedure however and at one point the director was heard to say "Just shoot the damn thing". Seriously, if the Union wanted to win the war, all they needed to do was catch them between shots, cuz it was like watching turtles screw to get this thing ready to shoot.


	Preparing the gun involved much use of the vaunted "Giant Q-Tips of Death" which were thrust in and out, over and over again, in, out, in out, faster, deeper, harder! FASTER, HARDER, DEEPER!! Jesus, no wonder guys buy guns when they ain't got much goin' on downstairs... And of course, you can't have a war without a guy on a horse telling you where to shoot things. That's a real horse who actually stood there while the gun was fired. Pretty ballsy for a horse. No problem standing still while the cannon was shot, yet it would get strangely nervous whenever it saw me coming.

Ready!!! Aim!!!

BOOOOOOM!! This is a real photo, it really makes a fireball like that, but it lasts for a split second. Not as loud as you would think, but still impressive enough to piss off the neighbors within a 5 mile radius. It was pouring rain throughout this entire afternoon, so I left not long after this. Tune into page two to see what went down on Sunday.