Music Lessons by The Valves
"How to Blow like a Pro"

Let's face it, we're not young anymore, and if Rock and Roll isn't to become a thing of the past, subsumed by Brittney Aguilera and Coldplay, a new generation of musicians will have to be willing to step up and continue the grand tradition. In that spirit, we will begin offering online lessons whenever the mood dictates or the anti-depressants wear off. Read, pick up an instrument and make some noise.

How to play the Saxophone
The first ingredient in Sax, Drugs* and Rock and Roll
by Steve LeClaire, Tenor Sax

The first thing you want to do, is learn to spell saxophone correctly. Most people mistakenly spell it sax-A-phone. So use the “O”. Or just do what I do, and tell people you play the “sax”. Or the banjo.
When choosing your saxophone, you’ll notice that there are many different sizes and colors. These are not designated as student, beginner, intermediate, & rock star. Nor are they designated small, medium, large and Miglionico. No, the different sizes are soprano (smallest), alto (next) tenor (just about right) and baritone (size of the QE TWO)
(Editors note, Kenny G plays a soprano Sax, so no one else in the world ever should play one again. At least without risk of getting smacked in the head for sounding like Kenny G.)
I play the tenor, Allen plays the baritone, as well as the alto when his back is breaking from schlepping the Queen Elizabeth. Reagan plays the alto exclusive. She’s such a girly- girl.
Once you decide on the size that’s right for you, be SURE to ask the sales clerk to explain the little curvy button on the end of the doo-hickey on the top, up near the mouthpiece. This is the most important key on any sax, and is the key that lets out the smoke. If your sales clerk is not able to adequately explain this feature to your satisfaction, we suggest finding another music store. Be SURE to ask about this! This is one of the most crucial aspects of playing the saxophone, and many a beginner has spontaneously combusted due to improper usage and lack of knowledge of the smoke ejector button.
There should also be an adequate drool collector towards the bottom of your saxophone. Many models have this feature built right into the bottom curvature of the horn. Be sure your sales clerk explains your “drool collector”. A good sales rep will further explain how to empty the green fuzzy stuff that will eventually collect in the chamber of the drool collector.
Next, you will want to select reeds. Reeds are the wooden popsicle stick like boards that are fixed to the mouthpiece, and flap up and down really really fast to produce your tone. If you get BIG reeds, you may practice taping them to your forehead, in a vertical position, down over the bridge of your nose. This is good for doing Mike Ladd impressions, should your actual saxophone playing experience not pan out.
Your reed should be the right size for your particular saxophone. Here, size DOES matter. Don’t get one too thick or you will end up sounding like a sheep bleating in heat. One too thin, and you will sound much like Felix Unger clearing his sinuses before playing poker with Oscar. Phneh, Phneh, Phneeehhhh. No, you want one that is JUST right to produce the dulcet tones that blend harmoniously with the other brasses and woodwinds, like the flora and fauna of spring, when the brooks are gurgling, the birds are chirping, the bees float merrily on the breeze collecting pollen and that bastard neighbor fires up his damned poor excuse for a lawn mower with the broken muffler, sounding much like a trombone. But I digress….

NEXT time, we’ll explain how to get feeling back in the muscles surrounding your mouth when they go all mooshy-mooshy. Still, you will be able to console yourself that you didn’t take up the trumpet, which makes your lips feel like you’ve been trying to eat, ummm,…well never mind what…but imagine trying to eat it through a chain link fence.

*by drugs we are of course, referring only to anti-inflammatory aides and Pepto Bismol

How to Play the Trumpet
Making fart noises for fun and profit
by Roger Grover, the Human Whoopie Cushion

OK, kids. So, you’ve graduated from those wimpy woodwinds into the big leagues of the BRASS section. You’ve decided to play the trumpet! The instrument that sounds the heralding of Kings! The instrument that starts the Kentucky Derby. The instrument that leads the concertos of Brandenburg. The instrument that harks the herald angels when they sing! The instrument that when sawed off and a black rubber squeezy thing is added to a Ford Model T, could be heard going WHONK- WHONK clear across the highway.
You’ve noticed there are many notes in the musical scale, and that the trumpet only has THREE buttons. So how do you get all the notes? No, it’s not done with mirrors. It’s not done with smoke. It’s not even done with tape loops and overdubs, unless you play backup for Brittney Spears. No, it’s done with “Lips Of Steel”. The kind of lips that can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch – suck a golf ball through ten feet of garden hose – suck the rat out of a snake’s gizzard. BUT – and this is a crucial “but”….all in reverse. You BLOW the trumpet. Are you getting the parallels and analogies here? Maybe you should have stuck with the woodwinds.
OK, so you’ve learned to make annoying farting noises in class with your lips. Essentially that’s what’s gotten you sent to the band director as a potential trumpet player. That’s all it is. Make farting noises, and place the trumpet’s mouthpiece to your lips, and viola! You’re a trumpet player. Do not blow too hard. Hernias are NOT fun.
Blowing too hard produces sounds much like elephants giving birth, blowing too softly produces sounds much like when you had to escort your grandmother to the toilet after that big Thanksgiving meal last year, and she asked you to “hurry up dearie….I need to…Oh Dammit!”.
Getting into a band can be tricky for the trumpet protégée. However, it’s not as bad as being the lowly trombone player. Trumpet players don’t get the cute chicks as much as the guitarists, but the chicks in the know who recognize a real set of lips?? Look out baby, you made the right choice!

Next installment – using the middle finger valve exclusively for flipping off the audience in mid solo.

How to play Bass Guitar
All the perks of being a guitar player without all the notes
by Joe Miglionico

Bass is an important instrument, let me just start off with that. There are some people who say it's the MOST important instrument. And this has nothing to do with boosting my own ego, or making up for the fact that everyone else gets the spotlight while I stand in the back and never get a solo, NO. It's simply a proven fact. When was the last time you heard a band without one? That's what I thought. The Doors? Yeah OK, they had no bass player, but lets face it, they were a little fruity too. Chicks also really dig bass players. No seriously, they really do. Not all bass players, but some. A few. There are some I'm sure. I mean the law of averages would say that some hot chick out there must love them.
Anyway, Basses come in a few varieties. There is the fretted 4 string model, which is the basic one. Frets, for the uninitiated, are the little metal thingies that go across the neck. They are there so you can play notes without having to really think too hard about where your finger is. Off by half an inch in either direction? No worries mate, the fret will fix it. Anyway, there are also 5 string models, which typically go one string lower in pitch (though there are a few yahoos out there who actually have them go up higher) and 6 string models which go both one string lower and one higher and typically have a fingerboard wide enough to land an F-14 on. There is also at least one 7 string bass I know of, but the less said about those the better.
There are also fretless versions, which just happens to be what I play. A lot of people come to me and they say "Joe, is a fretless bass harder to play than a regular one?" and I say "Oh, hell no, it's really easy" because that way, when they go to do it and fail miserably in what can only be a crushing kick to the groin for their already wilted ego, it will make me seem even more superhuman to their innocent fawning eyes. The second most asked question I get (well, the question I get the most is actually "Are you going to sit in that chair? because you might be more comfortable on the couch and that chair is just, I mean, it's not really designed for your... ummm.... you know.... how can I put this...?") so the second most asked bass related question is "How do you know if you're playing the right note if you have no frets?". The answer strangely enough is by listening. It is a musical instrument after all, which means that it makes noise and you can hear it.
So, how do you play it? Well, you push the string down with a finger on your left hand (or right hand, if you're left handed) and do something with your right hand (or your left hand if you're left handed) to make the string vibrate. This could be fingers, thumb, a pick, your nose (but not picking your nose), a hammer, whatever makes it work and you feel comfy with. Keep doing that while moving your left hand (or right hand if you're left handed) back and forth and up and down, and eventually you'll hit the note you want. Just do that enough times in a row and you'll be a bass player. Bass players are in high demand, especially ones who are resigned to never playing a solo and are happy to go bomp bomp bomp on the same note for long periods, or better yet, can play a "walking bass pattern" which is the bass part you'll hear in almost every blues and country song ever written. The bad part about walking bass lines is that you can get really sick of playing them to the point where you really want to violently slam everyone around you in the face with a stiff stuffed beaver, but the good news for you beginners is that if you can master just one walking bass line, you can instantly impress your friends by confidently declaring that you know the bass part to roughly 20,000 songs.
Tune in next time when I discuss the value of always being the guy in the band with the most powerful amplifier, and how that can be most effectively used to really piss off the rest of the band. My current amp is 500 WATTS, where Mike's is 30 Watts... you do the math.

Well, that's it so far. We'll be adding more lessons from other Valves as soon as we can drag them out of the bar. Till, then, Happy Motoring!