The Valves FAQ

Frequently Asked Questions
or Frantically Amassed Quotations

1.How did the Valves get their start?
A few years ago, Steve had a big cook-out/jam session at his house (known as JoyFest, which is now an annual event) and apparently got to talking with Bart McCracken about the possibility of making the jam more of a regular thing. Steve knew Greg and Bart knew Mike and Joe M. (they were in Chimera together in the 1980s, want to see some funny stuff? Go here)who were asked if they would be interested. Discussions were held on what else we needed for instruments and Greg asked some of the people he works with if they'd be interested, which is where we got Allen and John. Joe R. had been a Tornado Alley alumnus. Reagan was the daughter of Ace, who had played with Steve in the past, and she came in one night and blew everyone away with her dulcet tones. Bart was the original drummer, but couldn't stay on because of his "real life", so he was replaced, first by Rick Murphy and then when Rick had to go, Tom came aboard. After we had been going a bit, we decided to see if we could find someone to play Steve's B3 and Lowboy joined the band, but he too had a "real life" and had to leave and Paul signed up. That's pretty much it in a nutshell...

2. Where are you based out of and how far will you travel for a gig?
We're based in Central Massachusetts, and how far we'll go depends on how much money you have

3. Are you more of a Rhythm and Blues band, a funk band, or a straight blues band?
Yes.
We're a conglomeration of the combined tastes of 11 different people. You ever try to get 11 people to agree on something? it ain 't easy fella...

4.Does anyone really read Playboy for the articles?
No

5. Why "The Tornado Alley Horns"?
Our horn section is partly constructed of guys who were in Tornado Alley in it's heyday. We thought maybe some of the old TA fans would see that and come check us out. so far without much success, but you know, you gotta try.

6.Any other clever names for the band sections?
Our keyboard duo is affectionately known as "The Mt Rushmore Keys" because of their, shall we say, less than expressive facial expressions. As of now there is no official name for the rhythm section, though when Tom stands beside Joe, the number 10 sometimes comes to mind. And of course Reagan has a name all her own, just call her Bubbles

7.You guys are simply amazing, I've seen you a dozen times and you are so fantastic, so mind blowing, so totally incredible and astounding that it makes my head explode just thinking about it, is there any chance at all that this is a question from a real fan?
None

8.Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it was stapled to the chicken

9.Do you have a CD available?
Not yet, we are building a studio right now and hope to record in the future, but we're essentially a cover band right now, so we need to start writing more if we're to put out a real CD. Mike put out a CD himself a few years back, if you want one, just ask him, I'm sure he has a couple left...

10.Is it true that some members of the band have worked with famous people in the past?
Yes it's true, Steve and Roger have worked with people like Joe Cocker, Aerosmith, and The Stompers, Greg has worked with james Cotton, and Mike and Joe have worked with Joe Perry, John Waite and the Stompers, who are apparently not particular about who they work with and the Fools among others (They were also on Spenser for Hire in the 1980s). I bet you're super impressed now, baby!!

11.Why don't you have real bios on the site?
Because real bios are boring as hell, do you really want to know what band I played with in 1979?

12.What is freedom?
Freedom is the freedom to say that two plus two make five

13.Who do I call if I want to book the band?
You would talk to Tommy, check the contact page for more info.

14.If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?
Actually, it not only makes a sound but the rest of the forest immediately breaks out in singing "We are the Champions"

15.Do you do weddings?
We can, but only if the people getting married like what we do for music. We aint learning the macarena for nobody

16.Ginger or Mary Ann?
Mary Ann, no contest

17.Why don't you guys ever play in (insert your city or town here)?
If you know of a club that has live music and that we would fit into (both physically and style-wise) send us some mail and we'll see about getting booked there

18.Is it true that the FBI sometimes asks Mike to help them by using his nose to sniff out explosives?
No, and can we lay off the nose jokes please people? Jeeze you guys are immature

20.I'd like to join the Valves, what do I have to do?
Practice practice practice

21.Why does it seem that the more channels we have to pick from, the less that's on?
Damned if I know

22.Can I get a picture of you folks?
You can download one here, but if you're going to use it for anything unlawful or perverted, we don't want to know

23.Is it true that Joe M. is single and available? I find that highly dubious, the man is a veritable God
It's true, what can I say? He's very picky

24.Who was your favorite beatle?
George. While John and paul get the lion's share of the credit, George was very much a driving force from the inside, and crafted some of the most classic guitar lines ever put to tape. His own songs also were often unique and always interesting, especially after he became intersted in East Indian music. While many of his songs featured Sitar and indian musician's, even those that were not so obviously indian inspired showed his ear for the odd rhythms and cadences of the east, not depending so much on the standard western 4/4 and other basic time signatures.

25.My brother in law (I'll call him "satan") has decided he wants to move into our house. Since my husband and I have only been married for 16 hours, I'm very much against this. We haven't even had time to "unpack the dishes" if you know what I mean, and all of a sudden, this notwit decides he needs to move in with Big Brother dumbo and his virgin bride. I'm afraid this will ruin our marriage before it has a chance to start, especially since he plans to sleep in our bed (which is admittedly pretty big). What should I do?
Did you say you were a virgin? Where do you live exactly?

26.What's a good recipe for chocolate chip cookies?
* 3 cups all purpose flour
* 1 teaspoon baking soda
* 1/2 teaspoon salt
* 1 cup unsalted butter
* 1 cup light brown sugar
* 1/2 cup granulated white sugar
* 2 large eggs
* 2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
* 16 ounces bittersweet or semi-sweet chocolate, coarsely chopped

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Line two baking sheets with non stick stuff

Combine the first three ingredients in a medium bowl and set aside.

In a large bowl, cream together butter and both sugars with an electric mixer until fluffy. Add eggs one at a time and beat well. Mix in vanilla. Add dry ingredients and combine well. add in chocolate chips.

Form dough into 1 1/2 inch balls. Place each ball two inches apart on the baking sheets. Bake 12-15 minutes, or until lightly golden brown. Cool cookies on sheet for five minutes and then transfer to wire racks to cool completely.

27.What are the 5 funniest movies ever made?
Wow, this is a tough one. In no particular order, I'd say
•Blazing Saddles
•Monty Python and the Holy Grail
•Airplane
•Kentucky Fried Movie
•Young Frankenstein

28.If the Valves were a bird, what kind of bird would they be?
I think they would be Big Bird, from Sesame Street, because he's big and is friends with Oscar and the Snuffelupagus and thats pretty cool man

29.If the Valves were an animal, what kind of animal would they be?
What is this? Zoology night? Do I look like a freekin biologist to you? Do I, Punk?

30.How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
The answer my friend, is blowin in the wind, the answer is blowin in the wind

31.What is the point of spam? I mean, has anyone ever gotten a spam e-mail and said "Jeeze!! That's exactly what I needed, man am I glad I got this unrequested e-mail from someone who found my address on a list someplace!"
Well, I've eaten Spam a few times and I find it's the only food I know of that you can always still taste the next morning. Pretty nasty when it comes right down to it.

32.When was lipstick invented?
Lipstick is believed to have been invented in ancient Egypt for women who specialized in oral sex. They wanted their lips to look more inviting.

33.What is it called if I want to keep my clothes on during sex?
"Endytophilia" is the desire to keep one's clothes on during sex. "YousoneuglymudderandIdontwannaphilia" is what it's called when someone else wants you to keep your clothes on during sex.

34.if I have a question I'd like answered, where do I send it?
Send it to valvesinfo@yahoo.com