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Katie
was born on the small island of Hawaii (no, not that one, the
REALLY small one) and can trace her musical experiences to growing
up on the side of a volcano and singing along with the sulfur
and methane escaping from cracks in the earth's crust. Found wandering
through the dense rainforest by a young Angelina Jolie, Katie
was brought to a small east coast town and schooled in the ways
of Buddhism, Hinduism, Shintoism, Baptism, Pacifism, Fascism,
Vegetarianism, Abolitionism, Feminism, and making prisms, resulting
mostly in absenteeism. Unable to form a kinship with the small
town liberal redneck hippie hick right wing attitudes pervasive
there, she realized what her true purpose had been all along:
Surfing in Hawaii! What the hell
was she doing in some snowbound shithole in Massachusetts?? She
had liked Hawaii! the beach, the sun, the sand , the papaya, the
fat men in sarongs singing "Somewhere over the Rainbow".
Damn that Angelina Jolie! Katie's entire life became one single
burning desire for revenge against the ever so meddling actress
who had ripped her from paradise and dumped her in Assbackwardsville!
Katie needed a cunning plan to attract her erstwhile savior/torturer
back to her. Hearing that Angelina enjoyed Rhythm and Blues music,
Katie began singing, emulating Aretha Franklin, Bonnie Raitt,
Etta James and Katie Couric (for spunk), she became a great vocalist
in search of a band capable of bringing her to the attention of
"Little Miss Adopt-O-Matic". While perusing the vast
online wasteland she came across an ad looking for a beautiful
young woman willing to spend inappropriate amounts of time surrounded
by old codgers. Just below that was an ad from The Valves looking
for a singer. She chose the latter, and now, day by day, the terror
grows as she realizes that all the Valves are likely to attract
in the way of movie stars are Loni Anderson and Paul Reiser. Still
she hasn't given up and nightly falls asleep to the mantra: "Put me back in Hawaii, BITCH... Put me back in Hawaii BITCH...". |
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